Late night thoughts
As I am writing this, it is exactly midnight. It feels like an October night, with the cold breeze running through the windows, even though we are in August. There is something nostalgic about it, though. I can't pinpoint exactly why, but Fall is one of my favourite seasons, so that maybe explains why I love it so much.
The feeling of lighting up a candle, having a nice hot cup of coffee and listening to some easy r&b music is unmatched. It is one of those nights where your thoughts run deep, questioning the meaning of life kind of stuff. You let your dreams and aspirations run wild, you think about all of the things that you want to accomplish. On the flip side, you think about past thoughts and you find yourself questioning why you said the things you said from years ago.
For me, it is one of those nights where I ponder about the past and the future. There is this sense of hope I feel when I think about the future, yet for some reason, I cannot stop thinking about my past mistakes and the "what if's."
I want to share some of the things that has been on my mind for a while now. Enjoy my Ted Talk!
Scared to start a new chapter in my life
Starting uni in exactly 1 week from now, there are so many nerves and doubts running through me. As excited as I am to start this new journey, I would be lying if I said I was confident in going back to school. On the contrary, I am kind of scared. I feel underprepared and not ready to start classes anytime soon. It just hit me a few days ago that I am actually going back to school and I am going to McGill (my uni). Being out of school for 2 years, there is this underlying thought that I am not as bright or prepared, which I know sounds illogical but it was a persistent thought that started to make me feel insecure. Also, I have to stop thinking that I am "too old" to start uni. It sounds silly, but knowing that I will be around people younger than me will probably make me feel a bit old. But yea, that was a random thought that kept popping up... Oh, and meeting new people is also putting a pit in my stomach lol. The fear of judgment is real, and being exposed to so many new faces can surely amplify this fear.
However, I will take this fear as a sign that I am growing. Real growth occurs when we face our fears and challenges. You can remind yourself this the next time you are faced with something deemed as scary. I will surely keep this thought in the back of my pocket when I start school. It is easier said than done, but it really is the only way to progress in life.
Regrets in friendships
One of the worst feelings (at least for me) is regret. It is a feeling that slowly creeps up on you during the most unexpected moments, and it can cause hours of overthinking scenarios, wondering what could have been had you done/not done something. Regrets of not doing enough (especially when it came to initiating things) played a big role in this. Friendships, just like relationships, need just as much nurturing and attention, in which I did not grasp this concept at the time. Though I feel like I have made significant progress in being a better friend and person overall, I do find myself revisiting the past and thinking about what our friendship would've been like had we stayed friends.
I may feel regretful right now, but I know there's nothing more I can do to rectify the past. What's done is done. We can only move forward and learn from our mistakes so that we can prevent the same situation from happening again. I am happy to say that I have removed the fear of initiating stuff (stemming from fear of rejection) in order to prioritize healthy friendships. With this, I am hopeful for the future friendships I'll encounter.
I actually like who I am?
As someone who constantly struggles with self acceptance, this kind of comes as a surprise to myself. Just before, I was trying on different outfits I could wear for my orientation event for school and I actually did not dislike what I saw in the mirror. I felt good about myself, which is such a freeing feeling after years of feeling like you aren't good enough. Yes, I could probably lose a couple more pounds, or I could get lash extensions and go back to doing my nails. But for now, I feel content in what I look like and most importantly, who I am as a person. I have been battling myself about who I am and how I want to present myself to the world. Do I want to be perceived as confident? Do I want to be perceived as a nonchalant person who is easy to get along with? This was driving me crazy because I was essentially trying to curate what I wanted others to perceive me as... when guess what? You cannot control how others perceive you. You may be the nicest person, but there will always be that one person who thinks otherwise.
If you want to change who you are, you can. But don't expect others to have the same perception as you do to yourself. I think as long as you know who you are and you are content with yourself, then the perception of others about you won't matter.
It was hard to get to this stage where I can say that I like who I see in the mirror. It was a long road, but I think the biggest aspect that led me to where I am now was accepting who I was before. I am not the same person that I was 1-2 years ago. I had different values, I looked different, and I was not properly taking care of myself. When I had accepted who I was while acknowledging the struggles I was facing with, I was finally able to make the necessary changes in order to become the person that I am today. I was patient with myself and I was forgiving, which also helped me in my journey of self acceptance.
I am still learning as I go, and there are still some things that I want to change/accomplish within myself, but I am happy to say that I feel proud of who I am and how I present myself.
This post most likely went on for way too long, so I will end it here. If there is one thing that I want you to take away from this, it's how you shouldn't be too hard on yourself. I know how these kinds of nights can make you overthink about a lot of things, good or bad. However, just know that you cannot fix or change what happened in the past. The best thing you can do is learn from those experiences and move on. This will take some time, but there will come a day where these things won't consume your mind as much. Focus on looking after yourself and practise forgiving yourself throughout the process. This will go a long way, it certainly did for me.
Goodnight and sweet dreams <3
